The HUNT... Become Rambo

Rambo, what an icon, a figure-head for testosterone and forerunner for the true title of the most idolised dominant male chromosome. We can only wait, hope and if you're a religious type pray for the duration of our (in the meanwhile) dull lives that they bring out Rambo 5. Could you imagine Sylvester Stallone beating up rebel insurgents with a walking stick, even better with his false teeth or using his trouser brace to launch microwavable meals... I also wonder which Asian country they would shine the terror harboring light onto next, maybe it'll be the Middle East, they surely deserve to have their tourism industry knocked off the planet by the American film makers, as if video games don't prod them enough already.

Unleash your tribal instinct, destroy all competition, create your USP or unique selling point. I designed my C.V to be my selling point as it communicates my thinking. It was only after many attempts and a progression of prototypes that I arrived at my current finished product. I believe it's very important to spend time crafting yourself the right image before you apply to companies as all they can really do is  judge a book by their cover until you get an interview.

I market myself as someone with ideas and imagination, my C.V aims to encompass this along with my website and of course the standard cover letter. Saying all this it's very important not to waste your time doing something that's not productive. I've had far more interest as a result of applying to agencies online rather than cycling around in person or sending C.Vs via post, simply because it's time and cost effective. Although hand delivering leaves a good impression, or traces of, on an employer you can still manufacture an equally strong presence online, you just have to boldly exert yourself as if prostituting to the blind. Maybe save the handmade ones for those very special companies. I hope I'm not contradicting myself here. C.V C.V C.V c.v... I promise I'll stop mentioning C.Vs and write about the more exciting aspects of being unemployed...

... like watching youtube tutorials on how to make the perfect mashed potato or finding the exact length of time it takes to microwave an egg so that it's cooked to perfection. I must warn you the youtube video isn't available for those with jobs, you get visited in your sleep the day you sign onto the dole...

(I've gone mad)

If/ when you're looking for work it helps to stand out in something particular but I'm sure you already know this, just in case you don't and you like the lifestyle and fresh breeze you have in your cave, that's what ya need to do.

It was only the other day when I realised that a professional Flash (animation software) designer can earn between £250 - £450 PER DAY, the reason why, because it's a specialised skill. Employers often want someone to come running into their company greased, waxed and in their finest Lycra to minimize any possible opposing forces that could contribute to loss of efficiency. They want someone that doesn't need to learn the ropes, someone who gets paid to do exactly what they say they can, to the highest standard in the fastest time. Thinking back if I didn't spend three years doing a degree I would have invested that time and money learning a specific skill. So find something particular about yourself then sell it, feed it and, when they're not looking, inject it into the employers brain. I mean if you're a plumber well, of course that's your thing, and even if you don't know a tap from a toilet you're always going to have a job,.. looking back I should have been a plumber. I'm preaching to those who have more general qualifications.

I do realise that I'm going on and on about the job hunting and not so much the Dole dossing. The reason is simple, I want to warn people about how hard it actually is to find a job that you want and it's also an excuse to use Rambo as an analygy.

2nd Step to getting noticed

Lets start where I left off, Recruitment Agencies...

So what do they do? I don't hear you shouting... Well they receive a fee for selling you off to someone, much like Oliver Twist. To start off it won't get much better than that as an intern, unless you happen to land a salary paid job straight away, then you are Fagin, promoted to responsibility along with all the pressure that comes with it.

It is their job to find employers the right worker for their company and to fit in with their standards and ethos. They do all the sifting, and are subsequently paid for this service. The reputation of that recruitment agency very much depends on its success at finding and hand delivering strong candidates to the client (so its skill at recruiting) otherwise no one will use them and they will be unemployed too, now that would be irony at its best! You need to make a good impression with these guys. It's like traveling up a downward escalator to a job at the top, the more energy you use the more you get noticed however stopping is fatal as you slide down below any competition into the pit of obscurity at the bottom, which is also where your laces get caught. The trick is to constantly stay in contact, make the agency know how important you are to them without sounding arrogant, also appreciate their efforts if they find you opportunities.

Secondly is the 1st Step to getting noticed....

Be different. Even if it's by being a bit backwards, be unusual be anything that breaks you apart from the endless flock of job seekers. This of course begins with the almighty Curriculum Vitae. Ok think of a business card, that's one of the smallest possible ways for you to advertise yourself. On that bit of card, or whatever material you choose, you can do anything. This is not just any space, (No I'm not digressing into an M&S ad) it's an opportunity to advertise YOU and demonstrate your beautiful mind on the smallest possible platform. So if you can weave enough magic into a business card to gain a client think about the potency of a C.V, it really is potion for you to mesmerize your employers, hopefully with just one taste.

IMPACT!

I think you have to either be as clever and creative or as simple and factual as you can be, they are two polar opposites when it comes to a successful C.V. The beauty of simplicity is that people like something that gives it to them straight, that is why no one likes politicians. But when you see something clever and out of the ordinary you remember it, as long as it's for the right reasons. Take my C.V for example; it's printed on gold card, that should perspire positivity and superiority for a start, and should hopefully lure prospective employers into glancing at the content, which too is carefully placed. I designed the layout so that my strongest attributes are what you see first, my degree, then the relevant, but not necessarily exciting, information is smaller in size. In general the size and position of the content should correlate to its importance.

BUT my Piece-de-Resistance is the tear-off coffee mat. Yea you heard me, a coffee mat. I put all the useful information about me i.e name, website, number etc... and placed it in the corner, surrounded by a dashed boarder. I then used a perforator and traced around the square boarder, thus creating a tearable drink mat. The idea here is that the C.V can be discarded however the useful information can be torn off and held onto, because for no less of a reason, it is useful in an office to have a coffee mat. 'Form follows function', a rule to always abide by. The Function is to make my details last, the Form to do so is to create a coffee mat, simple.

Official Sponsor of K Cider

So my first week on the legendary Dole... I can officially get away drinking K cider whilst walking down Bethnal Green in broad daylight, it's almost like a secret cult, but not, and it's not entirely true, it was my third week. It's also a cult that wouldn't really get much endorsement, at least not legally.

My first few weeks were quite exciting since I now had the opportunity to do whatever I want, as long as it didn't consume my £51.50 a week budget, so I couldn't really go anywhere exotic, and you're still not allowed to get arrested, despite the added power of sympathy. I could change the direction of my life in an instant. Fuck it I could throw away my degree and train to become a Cocktail Barman Monk. But I didn't, I wanted a relatively decent job doing something vaguely related to my degree that pays me, at least temporarily while I decide what I really want to do with my life.

I graduated which means I spent three years and a lot of money on a certificate representing my ability. So why do so many companies believe they can exploit my 'small fish in a big pond' scenario and 'take me under their wing' i.e.work for free. The worlds not a prison, or at least it's not supposed to be, I don't need a big daddy to survive, I want to skip all the politics and awkward networking and just start a real job. Ok by job I don't mean sitting on my arse in Tesco's for 7 days a week earning roughly the same amount, after tax, that I would not working. Why would I when I could be sitting on my arse in my flat, in comfort and actually putting it to some use like creating a portoflio website, starting a company or playing Call Of Duty.

I think of it this way, when you work in a job that you don't like where it consumes most of your week it ends up consuming most of you and you de-rail from the track you were originally on, for example becoming the greatest Mathematician that ever lived, if that's your thing (I'm not judging you if it is). You get into a comfortable system of working, although robotic and mind numbing it's security and you have a bit of money. But for all the hours and months you spend in an unsatisfying job, your real ambition just gets further and further away from your grasp to the point where you can't be bothered to chase it and you settle for mediocrity.

So to get that dream job you need to start with a C.V. A C.V is a bit like the Genii and the Lamp, depending on what you wish for, you get a result, although it might not be the one you expect, and it's not something people generally rub, although that actually sounds like quite a nice idea... Imagine a C.V that the employers can rub and it changes colour or better still text appears, as if by magic... Anyways metaphorically it's a portal to something that you want, that was what I was trying to say before going on a tangent. You have to be very careful what you write on it, as the outcome depends on whether you get a job or not.

This brings me onto what my first few weeks were about, getting a job, or more importantly getting noticed...

...So you have the internet right in front of you and want to make a start, but where do you go to? Where do you begin this tiring and often demoralizing hunt? Well your first port of call might be Reed.com, the recruitment master... or not, don't use them they're rubbish. Companies like Reed.com are so enormous that you compete with another thousand anonymous aliases online, although you're position might be for a Junior Designer and you match all the requirements, there will probably be a shitter but older and more experienced senior designer, prepared to sink a few levels for a lower position because he/ she is also desperate for a job. Most importantly it isn't a specialist agency. Reed doesn't compare talent like so many other recruitment Giants, they compare experience and opt for the safest possible candiadate. You're not safe, you're a wild, unique and ambitious student full of ideas that will rock this world!

First rule to getting a good job:

- Find a great recruitment centre, one that suits you and your job role and one that notices you for your talent.

Waiting, writing, filling, re-filling, sending, writing, recieving-ish.

I had quit Cafe Nero, London was my oyster... although I had no money to top it up with. But the important part was that I had all the time in the world to consider what I really wanted to do with my life. I spent my next few days philosophising and opened the file on my desktop that said 'C.V'. I knuckled down to some hardcore self advertising and set to work on my portfolio website.

It was a week later when I actually got round to registering at the Job Centre Plus along with the Council to receive Housing Benefits. To say this was an arduous task would be an understatement. The level of bureaucracy rivaled that only of persuading your school Matron that you're ill before a maths exam. I spent a solid week filling out forms and sending letters. This was all to convince them that I do live with three students in a flat, I have no children, no criminals, no pets, no savings, yes these are my only bank accounts, again yes these are my only bank accounts, no I am not an immigrant and yes I am Rupert Mason, no I have no children I thought I already said that, I am not seriously injured however my wrist was starting to ache a little... And then most importantly why I am without money or job.

So to cut a long and very boring story short about two weeks later I believe I received my first cheque, nice one Tower Hamlets Council! Weeks of intense negotiating had paid off. I was signed onto Job Seekers Allowance which gave me £51.50 per week, my council tax was reduced to 0 along with that I received an added £100 each week towards my rent. I was sorted, or so I thought... Having calculated this I realised I had to make a few cuts to my lifestyle and get a job the day after.

...following on...

I should probably tell you a bit more about who I am.

Up until this July I was a student studying graphic design & advertising at Central St Martins, London. I graduated with a 2:1 Honours Degree. Pampered by the luxury of a student loan and disillusioned by the prospects of a great job I was blissfully unaware of what life would be like after my degree. What lay ahead was an enormous blank abyss, THE REST OF MY LIFE.

I would no longer be in a system where I had a routine, a plan, a three year plan. Since being a child like everyone else I was weened on an education system, following rules and guidlines. My life revolved around the order and timetable of this system, I woke up when everyone else woke up, I had holidays when everyone else had holidays, I had late nights when everyone else had late nights and so you get the picture. It also had a fixed future, more or less, from GCSE's came A Levels, from A Levels you can get a bit confused but for me this lead to an Art Foundation Diploma and then finally a Degree (before traveling on a cliched GAP Year). But what they don't prepare you for is what happens next...

I was lured into studying by the expectation that a degree will guarantee me a good job, but admittedly I idolised the lifestyle. Looking back the course benefitted me in a way I couldn't imagine, it changed the way I think and work. I wouldn't swap it for anything in the world. I only wish the certainty of a well paid job was a money back gurantee. After-all getting a great job was the main reason for studying at St Martins. 

So here I am now, living on benefits, that's what happened next. After graduating I worked at Cafe Nero for a short period. My outer body became a branded brushed aluminium shell, my eyes became small LED lights, my mouth transformed into a welcoming grin adorning words with politeness to those who don't deserve it. I voiced repetitive greetings and service related requirements, the last things to change were my hands and arms as they became cup shaped paws, my mind went blank. Yes, I became a robot slave. I was shackled to the very light weight minimum pay, as a result it was easy to break free. I decided to actually use the 2:1 degree I paid so much for.

The Early Weeks & a Bit of Background

So, who am I? Well to cut it short I'm a self confessed dole dosser and have been since the 8th October. What can I say, life is as sweet as the saturated basics value sugar currently swirling around in my mug of tea (80 tea bags for 27p).

Hopefully that short paragraph already provides a bit of perspective about how I view life at the moment. It's the outlook of someone with no income, just allowance money provided by the generous Conservative Party and the good tax payers of England. This service is handed out to the other 70.8% of the population who are just like me, grinning,.. I mean, without a job, sorry.

To say life is sweet, is a bit of a sugary overstatement, I can get by. If I didn't graduate with an overdraft and actually had some savings then yes life would be far sweeter as I wouldn't be concerned by how much I top up my oyster card each week. I wouldn't debate whether a Mc Donalds double cheeseburger with chips is more filling than 6 hot wings and chips, or calculate the life expectancy of a Primark jumper.

These things however make living with a limited budget more challenging and actually more exciting. It is to all intents and purposes a survival game, and I suppose also a cheating game.